View Full Version : Original Fiction: Death Princess Ch 1

08-26-2007, 02:30 PM
(Note: This is the first Chapter in a series that I am hoping I can continue. In straight talk, expect a sequel but donít hold your breath. But this thing did kinda write itself. Iím hoping for this series to be pretty upbeat but serious, so if you see anything that seems kinda weird and it isnít explained too well, wait for a later chapter. By Chapter 3, I should have everything ironed out and flowing smoothly. Well, enjoy!
The Goddess looked over the young girlís sleeping form with motherly sincerity. She gently caressed the girlís face as she spoke to her, as she would her to her own child, "Young daughter of my lands, a great evil is approaching. When this evil arrives, I shall grant you the power to protect your realm with the ferocity and compassion that you will need to vanquish the darkness that comes forth. Sleep well, my young warrior. You will soon need all the strength you can muster."
And like a candle caught in a sudden breeze, the Goddess winked out of existence.


The alarm was the first thing that registered in her mind as she slowly came to cognizance of the morning pouring through her window. Stretching out a moment, yawning, and then sitting up she shook her head to clear it. ĎWhat a weird dreamí she thought, rubbing her eyes. Then she turned her eyes to her alarm clock on the nearby bedstand. "Oh no! Iím gonna be late!!!" She cried, realizing that her alarm had been going off for nearly an hour.


Allie made it into her Physics II class mere seconds before the teacher began to call roll for the class. She answered to her name being called, getting an accusing look from Professor Carlton before he went onto the next name. Her friend Meg, sitting next to her in the classroom, giggled as she turned to Allie, "Aliakana Nehaíi, one of these days youíre not gonna be lucky enough to make it into class on time and Professor Carlton is going to eat you alive. You know how he treats tardy students."
Allie turned to her friend and smiled sheepishly at the comment, "I couldnít help it, I had this completely weird dream last night. Iím talking totally freaky." Her friend raised an eyebrow at the comment, "Like porno freaky or zombies eating you alive freaky?" That elicited a growl from Allie, "Oh come on nowÖyou know Iím not like that. And it wasnít the zombie one, either. I donít remember muchÖjust some pretty woman in some tight clothes dust disappearing right in front of me. But I woke up sweating so it had to be weird, ya know?"
Meg shook her head and chuckled to herself, " You always have the best excuses for being late to your first class, you know that?" Allie groaned and hung her head, "I swear, this stuff really happens. The kinda stuff you canít make up!"
Meg would have replied, but the professor cleared his throat, which as the entire class knew was the signal that he was ready to begin todayís lecture.

Allie stopped off in the girlís restroom after class. She hadnít had time to do her hair this morning, and wearing it down tended to bother her. She took out two shiny brown hairsticks and quickly rolled her dark hair up and pinned it into place with them. She also took a moment to make sure she looked okay. Originally from the island of Oahu, Hawaiíi, both her parents had been native Hawaiians and the same complexion and skin tones, not to mention her body that most guys here admired (not to mention a few girls as well, but Allie wasnít about to get onto that train) had been passed down to her. But after moving to Texas 3 years ago, she had found Austin and UT and fell in love with the town. There was always a unique experience to be had in Austin that you couldnít quite get from anywhere else. Ending her reverie and finding her looks to be as good as always, she trooped over to her next class which was Applied Sciences 1. Thankfully, her teacher in that class was nice.


It was another easy day at the office for the Chief Of Security of First USA Bank located on Congress St near the capital building. He had been came out of his office to make his mid-afternoon security check and had just left the video surveillance room when he heard screaming coming from the direction of the lobby. Breaking into a run, he didnít take the time to look back to see the armed gunman shoulder his weapon and fire an automatic burst into the manís back. He went down as if hit by a wrecking ball, and as he lay there dying, he turned his head to see the same man that shot him kick in the door to the room he had just exited and hose it down with the rest of the magazine to his AK-47 Assault Rifle. Before he could do or think anything else, the world closed in around him like a black hole.


Of course, at the sound of gunfire in the middle of Austin, residents reacted with the shock and fear expected of an average street-side crowd. Thus one gunman, the one tasked by his team to show the groupís resolve, had no problem sweeping his M60 machinegun across the streets of Texasí political center; wounding and killing several until his weapon was empty. The leader of the group then directed his team into their assigned tasks. They had to be quick or else the cops would show up in force and that would be a bad thing. He quickened his menís paces by yelling at them in the way an officer would do to his soldiers in the midst of a battle. They had 4 minutes, maybe 4 and a half, before they would have to roll.

Once again, the Goddess visited the sleeping girl. This time the Goddess placed her hand on the girlís forehead, commanding her to awaken. The teenís eyelids opened to reveal a bright light radiating from each eye socket. Mechanically she sat up and got out of the bed. The teen could be mistaken for any Asian race, seeing as how her blood was a mix of different Pacific bloodlines. She was dressed in a tight black shirt that clung to her toned, exotic body and was decidedly short in the midriff area. Her top was matched by the white-trimmed black shorts that look right to be worn by a surfer, not a Death Princess. Complementing both items were the black sneakers with white laces and ankle socks worn at her feet and the perfect-fitting black leather gloves protecting her hands. Her tanned skin and long black hair contrasted with her makeup-whited face, trimmed in black for a perfect Gothic look. The Goddess couldnít help but admire the young warrior before her.
In front of the girl, a sword appeared. It was a simple design, short and light enough to be used by the female warrior born to possess it but heavy and sharp enough to handle any task put before it. This was the perfect match of weapon and wielder. The warrior-princess took hold of the sword and as the light in her eyes faded into the pupils and retina of a human, the sword itself took a raging flame onto its form and a black leather scabbard appeared across her back, both ends buckled together across her chest. She pulled out a pair of Arnette Rage sunglasses and placed them over her eyes, completing the ensemble.
The Goddess hugged her Death Princess from behind, whispering softly to her "Now go my young one, and bring a deserved end to those who endanger the innocent." In her arms, the Death Princess winked out of existence.


The residents of Austin near the scene of the accident, already overcoming the shock of the attack on the innocent bystanders, had sprung into action to do whatever they could. Several dialed 911 on their cellular phones, the braver ones ran out to try and drag wounded to safety. One lady had even pulled a pistol from her purse and returned fire in the midst of the chaos. But some braveries were to go unrewarded today. The insane gunman had reloaded his machinegun and sprayed down the area once again with belt-fed death, cutting down even more people and property. 911 Operators informed the citizens that Austin Police were responding as quickly as possible and that they should seek shelter. It was exactly 36 seconds after the attack had become known to the outside world that an ululating female war cry and accompanying thunderous Gothic metal music that an interviewee would later identify as After Foreverís "Equally Destructive" were heard over all the insanity going on. People watched in amazement as what looked to be some kind of Amazon-Gothic warrior flew from the rooftop of one building over to the side of the bank that was under attack, jamming her flaming sword into the concrete and glass face of the building and sliding down it like a pirate would a sail during a battle on the high seas.
The black-clad teen landed in a crouch before rushing into the building through a shot-out glass door. In a split-second she had come right up to the man wielding the machinegun and if he would have lived through the event, he would have said that he could feel her pure malevolent emotions towards him as she knocked aside the heavy automatic weapon with one arm, flaming sword coming up to slice right through him in the other. It was a quick, bloodless kill as the swordís eternal flame instantly cauterized the cut that it made. Grabbing the M60 before the dead man had even began to fall back from her attack, she ripped it from his grasp and spun around, tossing it barrel-first into the center of another gunmanís skull, dropping him as well.
In the midst of her twirl, she shifted the sword in her grip and sliced outwards towards a far enemy. A Dragonís Tongue of flame shot forth from the blade, catching his leg like a whip would and she slung him across the length of the bankís lobby into a fourth would-be bank robber. As the leader realized what was going on, he spun around to see the young female warrior bearing down on him. He didnít raise his weapon in time to stop her from cutting his own AK-47 in half with her sword in one hand while grabbing him in the middle of the bandoleer strapped around his torso. It was then that a 200-pound mercenary was effortlessly lifted by a girl that looked to be college-age and weigh no more than 140 pounds. Stunned, he was pulled face-to-face with her, his emotions of fear showing in his expression that was mirrored in her sunglasses. "Iíll come back for you," She coldly voiced as she threw him back against the wall behind the partition where several bank tellers cowered in fear. As the final man entered, the same one that had killed the security chief and his men, she threw her sword at him. It tumbled through the air to slice right into his chest. He had barely begun falling backwards from the strike when she had jumped on top of his chest and yanked the sword free. As his body thumped onto the ground she was already flying towards two other men that werenít dead yet. They had barely risen to their knees when she alighted into a spinning roundhouse kick that crushed the skull of the first man as it sent him flying aside. Finishing the pirouette she kicked out with a classic side kick that caught the man behind him square in the center of his forehead, putting him down for good as blood trickled through the broken flesh and bone.
She turned back to the leader, walking slowly towards him as she holstered the sword, itís flame dying away as it was placed into the scabbard she wore on her back. As she hopped over the counter that separated them, he drew his pistol to try and shoot her. She grabbed the Berettaís slide in her hand as the weapon was brought up. The first round went off harmlessly into the ground, scaring the people in the bank, and the lead bank robber, more than they already were. Her grip on the weapon was so strong that it didnít cycle. She merely yanked it out of his grasp and tossed it aside before slamming the man up against the wall, her forearm against his neck. As she was choking him against the wall, he made a desperate attempt to push her away from him with all his strength. She brushed his attack aside and spun him around and grabbed onto the back of his head, slamming his forehead into the wall. The mercenary went limp and she drug him out of the building by the back of his collar. People stopped as this young woman drug the big man outside by the back of his collar and dropped him on the sidewalk. Barely half of a minute had elapsed from the time that she had first appeared until now. The music was still booming from somewhere in the sky, and a surreal sensation came over everyone as the quick, primitive parts of their brains were trying to process everything their eyes and ears were telling them. She looked around at everyone, dark Arnette sunglasses shielding her eyes from view. Then, as quickly as she had appeared earlier, she left. She jumped, some would say flew, onto the roof of a nearby business. As some tried to follow the young Goth they lost her after the first building. But everyone felt the same unsettling feeling in the wake of her exit.


Allie awoke to a loud banging on the door to her room. Rubbing her eyes, she wondered who could possibly have an emergency that would require nearly beating the door down to get her attention. She opened it up to see a sweating, panting Meg standing there. The look on her face was a mix of rage and concern that had Allie confused. "Whatís up, Meg? Why so early?"
Meg was taken aback by that statement, "Early? Itís 2:30 PM. Itís more like Whatís up with You?"
"Whaddíya mean?" Allie asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she looked back at her alarm clock. Sure enough, it was 2:28.
"After Professor Thieldbaumís class you just took off running and Sindy didnít see you in Professor Clarksonís lecture hall, either. You alright?"
Allie thought up an excuse that explained how she felt at the moment, "I all of a sudden felt sick, like puking, ya know?"
Her friend regarded her with slight suspicion, but did seem to care. "AlrightÖjust let us know next time. I sprinted across campus to come here as soon as class was over. Text someone, or call us, alright?"
Allie smiled at her friendís concern and nodded weakly, "Alright, next time when Iím puking my guts out, Iíll be sure to text you so you donít worry."
That earned a giggle from both girls. "Hey, Iím still not feeling too hot so Iím gonna go back to bed, okay?"
Meg nodded, still smiling from their giggling. "Okay. If you need anything lemme know, cool?"
Allie nodded, "Youíll be the first."
Meg smiled and turned away, walking down the hall. Allie closed the door and slowly walked back to her bed, slipping under the covers and making herself. Before she allowed herself to fall asleep, she grabbed her cell phone and punched in a text message, sending it off to Megís phone. It read ĎPuking my guts out, JSYK.í It wasnít long before her phone buzzed with a reply, ĎFunny. Good Night. Meg.í


The Goddess smiled as she overlooked her sleeping young warrior. She knelt down beside the plush bed that concealed the youthís sleeping form and placed her head on the stomach of the young girl. "You did wonderful today, my Daughter of Fire. Soon you will be ready to truly awaken, and when that happens you shall protect the world with power unrelenting. But not yet, my dear. Soon, but not yet."
With that, the Goddess rose and left the young one to rest until the world needed her yet again. That was a time that the Goddess feared would come sooner, rather than later.


08-28-2007, 04:02 PM
Well uh....that was....erm...interesting. o_O

Certainly better action scenes than any I'm capable of. I really liked your description of her battle with the bank robbers, it was fairly fluid and easy to picture what was going on. I also liked that you could switch the tones of the different sections so well. From light and "whatever" so that blood bath.

What I didn't like, however, was that some of your sentences were a bit....well borderling run ons. Maybe it's just the shock of writting to different than mine, but I usually try to keep my complex sentences with a max of 3 dependant clauses. ^^; And my compound sentences with also with no more than 3 independant clauses. And compound complex sentences...x.x what was I saying? bah.

Also, I saw that some of your descriptions were lacking. "drug the big man by the back of his collar"? I think "big" is a word that should be banned from actions scenes like the one you wrote. Perhaps muscled, or middle-aged, or full-grown, or the like.

As for flaws with the story itself, I find it odd that a Goddess of Death is wasting her time beating up some two-bit bankrobbers. And what is with that cheesy music in the air? Has to go imo. Of course, my opinion doesn't mean that much as it's not my story. And the "goth" look seems weird to me, for a Death Goddess.

And fyi, 140 lbs is not that light for a college girl. I'm 5'8" and 120. XD

I hope you post the next chapter as soon as you can, DaSocom.

08-30-2007, 12:26 PM
Awesome, I got a reply from Capernicus!!

Awright, I've been out of school for a while and while I did manage to pass High School English, I certainly don't remember too much of it now. And don't worry, I won't ask you for a lesson. But independent clauses, dependent clauses...brain overload. I'm kinda taking my cue from MS Word, if it likes it than I go with it. But I'll try to work on my sentence structure, since I'm not always happy with it either.

Same thing with my description abilities. Long time since I have really flexed them out, so ya, look for improvement in Ch 2.

But here comes the kinda secret part. I understand your questions because those are kind of the same questions I had in my mind specifically NOT to answer. I wanted the beginning to seem REALLY vague on a lot of details. So most of the stuff you are talking about will be answered in chapters to be written soon (as in when I'm not working 18-hr days and the internet use is restricted so I can do some freakin' research on a few subjects relating to the storyline). But certain things in the story will come to light to be no more than cheeky writing. As...schizoid as this story may seem, I am going to seriously try to bring a lighter side to it, kinda like you do with your Brookie series. Serious overall but with it's incredibly light-hearted points sprinkled over the storyline.

And as for her size...don't have too many college girls here where I'm at (consider that number to be Zero) so I didn't have a reliable estimate. It involved asking my buddies (who are a lot more experienced with women's bodies than I, unfortunately or not, am) and as we all know, men only know so much about women...

But, once again, Thanks Caps! You're actually one of my more favored posters on the forum as a whole, not to mention your great writing ability, so this little review of yours means a lot to me and expect your input to be put to use.


08-30-2007, 02:49 PM
Awesome. :3 I try to return the favor to my fellow writers, as the fanfic section on a whole is, for the most part, deserted. Unless there happens to be a Naruto fanfic. *cough* >_> Then they creep all over the place. I try to make the place safer for OFs like yours and mine and baka_black's (you should check out Project REanimation).

Hey, my best friend is in Iraq too. I'll keep you both in my thoughts.

PS: Don't be afraid to use online thesauruses.

08-31-2007, 12:44 AM
Caps, don't hold your breath but expect to have a PM from me in your inbox soon. I'm going to write it at work today (time crunch!!!) and send it (hopefully) tonight.


08-31-2007, 02:16 AM
hey i read my name!lol.XD

ok comment time.the story's a good read.not like some of the fan fics i read from the internet where i almost tear at the butchery of the english language.lol.^^ kinda a unique touch to put in a bgm to the story but i kinda agree with capernicus that it has go.it doesnt feel right.forgive me.^^'

as for my other questions,il wait for chapter 2 to come out since there's probably an underlying plot that's gonna explain all of them such as, as capernicus asked as well, why the goddess wuld bother wid a couple of criminals.^^ unless of course they're part of some massive underground organization after sumthing reali important that was hidden in the first usa bank to further their villianous acts for world conquest.=b

08-31-2007, 02:35 PM
Just a note: Already cranking on Ch 2 as of today. Hopefully I can knock it out in a few days, and that it's as good as you expect it to be.

And Baka black, thanx for the comments. And you are close, my friend.