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thelaw1224
08-13-2007, 07:40 PM
Introduction

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[A red open plain, location unknown.]

"In the beginning that's all there was, that's all she could say."

"Hahahaha,Guaahahahahha....amazing!"

Two dark shaded men stood in an open plain, dust flowing by their shadowed faces.

"You tell quite the story, Habarin."

The red plain then began to distort, the two men standing beginning to look down.

"They're here aren't they."

"I'm so excited, I just can't control it."

Suddenly a figure appeared from a flowing heatwave not too far from the shaded figures. The red plain continuing to distort.

"Who could it be?"

Another figure now materialized to the side of the two shaded men staring at the floor.

"Why Sonny of course."

A dark substance began to rise from the floor, at the two figures feet. The other two moving forward as they watched the dark material move across the floor. Dark hands visible reaching out from the substance.

"I guess it's time huh."

The four men then looked up, taking their hoods off as they slowly dematerialized into the heat-wave of the open plain.

"Yes, yes."
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"It was the year 2009, only one year after a great accident in a nuclear power plant by Mount Fujii in Japan. The world was distressed after the devastation of a second power plant exploding in the duration of ten years, in result more then half of the power plants in Japan shut down under government declare."

"The country was in a depression because of the switch to wind generated energy and other alternate sources. In the small city of Itagwa, which was most hurt by the depression a small town was located. In this small town Imat Hidate resided, the first of the blade-holder's. My successor."

A shaded figure moved forward down a crowded street of Itagwa, he walked at a quick pace but looked as if he was strolling. Many low middle class workers and store owners rushed around on the street, as the shaded figure walked through them. He finally stopped, looking up at a building. His mouth was now a bit visible from the shadow covering his face from his hood. The figure let out a small smile as he walked towards the building. An older teen walked not far from him, a backpack dangling from his back as he walked slowly towards the door of the building. The teen had short spiky blond hair, with hair down at his sides, looking as if he was gazing off into the sky.

"So that's my kid, huh."

The teen then stopped, looking around as if he heard something. The figure then continued to walk, right behind Hidate as he turned back continuing walking into the apartment. Hidate entered, shutting the door behind him as the figure walked through the door continuing to walk behind the teen.

"Eh."

Hidate was then alerted as he began to walk towards the stairwell, he looked around himself not seeing a thing.

"You can't see me yet can you?"

(Hidate): "What......wh-who's there?!"

"This could be a problem."

Hidate then looked back, looking around frantically. An outline then appeared as he searched through the building’s main entrance, the light of the sunset bursting into the room giving it an orange glow.

(Hidate): "Show yourself!"

"Well, it's not exactly a problem with me showing myself \in this case."

The outline became now more clear to Hidate, shrugging as he could see the Hooded figure blurrily standing in front of him. The figure then looked back at him, noticing his eyes were focused on him.

"Clap,clap. That's step one, I guess."

(Hidate): "What, what do you want from me?!"

"Well, It's not a matter of me wanting something for you, but me giving something to you. You see your the next holder, my successor. One of the four to fight."

The teen was more so confused then scared out of his mind, he was speechless

"I'm not here to harm you, only to carry out my duty sadly. You see my day's are quite limited."

(Hidate): "Who....are you?"

"Back when I was living I went by Sir Alexandrious Michealsin Evarbinus. Thus now I go by Habarin, in my generation the first of the four Holders. I'm afraid I’m here to carry it on to you.

(Hidate): "Holder.......am I dreaming....?"

The figure then let out a sigh as he lowered his hood, revealing his messy red hair descending onto his shoulder, a scar on his right eye.

"I certainly hope not, we've haven’t got the time for Dreaming with the first war upon us. Now come on get up,"

Hidate stood confused, staring back and now even more frightened. Habarin stood looking at him, letting out a sigh as suddenly the teen ran off up the stairs.

"I'm not very good at this, am I."

Habarin then began to follow him at a fast pace, travelling up the stairs as the boy stumbled and ran, frightened.

"I guess I didn't expect for you to suddenly agree and join the mysterious shadowed figure but I guess we're going to have to take the hard way out now. After all, your’e going to have to become the Holder right here and right now."

Habarin began to gain upon him almost hovering up the stairs, his robe flapping behind him as the boy ran right and left trying to lose him.

(Hidate): "Get away from me!"

As Hidate ran up the staircase frantically something had stopped him, a dark substance slowly emerged from the ground on the stairs above Hidate putting him to a halt. Out of the substance a hand reached out, Hidate who was now frightened almost tripped down the stairs while backing up. A full dark figure emerged. The figure was small but had a non-human appearance. It's eyes were barely visible as it stood up.

(Hidate): "What....what the hell is that..."

Habarin approached faintly from behind, speaking as he looked up at the staircase where Hidate stood, his hood now covering his whole face with only his mouth visible.'

"It's a controlled Ruull being, it's virtually the least and most in-adept form of itself. It's harmless, to me of course. But to you on the other hand, we have a different case. Either you kill it, or it kills you."

The figure began to approach Hidate, its claws reaching out as Hidate backed up. Hidate frightened yelled as he backed up, his eyes widening.

"As I said before, you will become a holder one way or another. "

The figure then lunged at Hidate at full speed. Hidate searching frantically for a way out, as he was seconds from impact.

“The choice is yours.”

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CrimsonMoon
08-18-2007, 10:34 PM
It's fine, but you don't have to put (Hidate) every time he speaks. Also, you use 'shaded' often. It gets plain. I don't spot any grammatical errors. It's a good one, albeit hanging. Good luck with the plot! He'll agree, I bet. Otherwise, it'll be pointless.

Hypergraphian
08-19-2007, 03:28 AM
Overall the grammar's fine. I feel that you do have an interesting plot so this could turn out to be a good story, depending on how you choose to weave it. However, I do have some slight problems with the style of writing. Could be just me and my slow rate of understanding :p. But I'll leave my comments anyway and you can judge for yourself if the criticism is worth digesting. Here goes.


Introduction
"It was the year 2009, only one year after a great accident in a nuclear power plant by Mount Fujii in Japan. The world was distressed after the devastation of a second power plant exploding in the duration of ten years, in result more then half of the power plants in Japan shut down under government declare."

"The country was in a depression because of the switch to wind generated energy and other alternate sources. In the small city of Itagwa, which was most hurt by the depression a small town was located. In this small town Imat Hidate resided, the first of the blade-holder's. My successor."

When I started reading your story, the first thing I felt was confusion. I had to read it 3 times and the part highlighted above a couple of times more to realize which point of view it was from and who this person was speaking to. I thought at first, that you were writing from a first person point of view and if you were there would be no need to use the inverted commas. Then I read on to realize that the above person was indeed a character in your story. So here's my suggestion. The quote above should be written in less narrative form. Starting a thought process with "It was the year 2009" isn't exactly the best way to show thoughts coming from inside a person's mind. If I put myself in this character's head, I wouldn't look upon someone and think in such structured phrases. I'd begin with describing what I saw like :-

"Dessolate faces and depressed figures plague my sight., no doubt a result of the Mount Fuji nuclear accident that took place last year, in 2008. Looking upon these people I spot my successor Imat Hidate."

Something to the above extent.


A shaded figure moved forward down a crowded street of Itagwa, he walked at a quick pace but looked as if he was strolling. Many low middle class workers and store owners rushed around on the street, as the shaded figure walked through them. He finally stopped, looking up at a building. His mouth was now a bit visible from the shadow covering his face from his hood. The figure let out a small smile as he walked towards the building. An older teen walked not far from him, a backpack dangling from his back as he walked slowly towards the door of the building. The teen had short spiky blond hair, with hair down at his sides, looking as if he was gazing off into the sky. Starting sentences such as

"So that's my kid, huh."

The teen then stopped, looking around as if he heard something. The figure then continued to walk, right behind Hidate as he turned back continuing walking into the apartment. Hidate entered, shutting the door behind him as the figure walked through the door continuing to walk behind the teen.

"Eh."

Hidate was then alerted as he began to walk towards the stairwell, he looked around himself not seeing a thing.

"You can't see me yet can you?"

(Hidate): "What......wh-who's there?!"

"This could be a problem."


The above was really confusing and threw me off quite a bit. It was alright uptill the teen was trailing behind Hidate. I suggest you work on the sentences in bold. I can't really gain a clear picture of what's happening at all from this.



Hidate then looked back, looking around frantically. An outline then appeared as he searched through the building’s main entrance, the light of the sunset bursting into the room giving it an orange glow.

(Hidate): "Show yourself!"

"Well, it's not exactly a problem with me showing myself \in this case."

The outline became now more clear to Hidate, shrugging as he could see the Hooded figure blurrily standing in front of him. The figure then looked back at him, noticing his eyes were focused on him.

"Clap,clap. That's step one, I guess."

(Hidate): "What, what do you want from me?!"


You could replace the above with phrases like "said Hidate" or "Hidate exclaimed in alarm".

I agree to comments made on the repetitive use of "shaded figure" and "Hidate". "Shaded" can be replaced by terms such as "mysterious", "covered" and "cloaked" whilst "Hidate" can be replaced by terms used to describe him such as "tanned figure" or "tall young man". I'm just thinking out loud here so don't take those terms literally for use. Come up with your own set and have fun playing around with the words used to describe your character.

Other than that, thanks for the post and keep working on it.