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Hypergraphian
07-21-2007, 03:31 PM
Dear all,

Welcome to my first thread on animeforum. This is my third fiction story, two of which were fanfictions that I won't be posting here. This one I am and I just started writing this but have yet to determine where the plot will head and how this story will weave. Seeing how this is one of the largest group of forum based fiction readers around, I'm posting it here to gain much valued feedback.

Therefore please let me know your thoughts of this and depending on the feedback, I'll choose whether this should be continued or not. If its horrible, I'll ask that the moderator close this thread and let me sulk in a dark corner for my pathetic attempt.

Thank you and I hope to hear from as many readers as possible.

************************************************** ****
Chapter 1 - Conceptions

Sera Lee let out a suppressed yawn. She was trapped in yet another boring meeting with her counterparts from a consulting firm and an obnoxious client that seemed to have endless demands unsupported by valid business objectives. She was trying her best to listen to the CEO’s lecture on marketing 101, a subject he touched on every Monday morning. “We must get our product right for the other 3 Ps to work. But if we don’t get the product right then we need to beef up the other 3 Ps,” the CEO boomed proudly as if he had derived the theory himself. Sera stopped from rolling her eyes in a sarcastic response but couldn’t help from frowning at the fake expressions of interest on her peers’ faces. Giving up her defiance and not wanting to lose out on brownie points, she made her own pretentious effort and carelessly noted some pointers onto her work-in-progress sheet.

As he continued to drone on like a broken record, Sera wondered by what means this man had managed to make his way to where he was. Initially, she would look forward to these meetings, in hopes of learning the secrets to becoming a master of her own career path. But as the weeks turned into months, she gradually lost hope as she simply couldn’t see any side to him that would resemble even a spark of brilliance. To make matters worse, the company had failed to successfully launch any of their services for the past year, which meant that if things didn’t change soon it would only be a matter of time before all would be over for the CEO, its hundred employees and the innocent bystanders in the form of the company’s shareholders.

As the meeting proceeded, Sera decided to amuse herself by letting her mind wander a little. “Damn, the number of trees we kill and we’re supposed to be a green friendly company. This is stupid,” she thought as she observed the number of charts, reports and presentations that had been printed in multiples of 10 for each individual’s reference. She recalled the CEO’s insistence on using laptops to support their so-called ‘green effort’ and how that effort had been crushed when the irresponsible man turned up during the next meeting without bringing one of his own devices. Needless to say, this and most of his actions left his subordinates a rather confused bunch. She sighed inwardly as she started forecasting how long it would be before the company had to bundle up.

Being seduced by boredom, she let her eyes explore her surroundings freely. The confined space of the cold conference room and the musty smell from the damp old carpeting was serving to dull her mood even further, pushing her dangerously near the edge of a breakdown. She was deeply frustrated with her absurd client and the way the company had been battling with their consultants on the ‘how tos’ and ‘4Ps’ of product marketing with no end in sight. Sera wondered why she was complied to attend these pointless discussions that led to little or no progress and rarely required any input from her as a public relations consultant. All the talk about buntings, posters, mailers and premiums, nothing spoken made sense to her at this point as all she needed was to procure the facts to write her press release and leave what was a complete waste of her precious time. Feeling the stress build up, she clenched onto her pen tightly as she realized that she had been waiting for a year for the company to finalize exactly what it was that they were supposed to be selling, which Sera thought was utterly ridiculous.

Unable to bear the absurdity any longer she called in her mind, “Takeshi…”. He appeared behind her chair and leaned in, nuzzling his face into Sera’s silky-straight, long black hair. Breathing in deeply he whispered, “Hello luv. You’re tense again, poor thing.” Sera let her friend massage her shoulders gently. She felt relieved instantly as each of her tightly knotted muscles begun to relax, comforted by the tall handsome man behind her. She chuckled inwardly relishing in the fact that Takeshi could only be seen by her and what a sight he was. Luscious locks of midnight hair framed a flawless face that carried a gentle but devilish smile along high cheek bones and a strong jaw line. A well built but not too bulky physique clad in an expensive Armani suit and a touch of charm completed Sera’s prince that was her imaginary lover and confidant.

“Takeshi, these creeps are frustrating me,” she spoke to him in her mind.

“I know love. As usual, your impatient self is causing you to have yet another meltdown.” Takeshi remarked jokingly.

“Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side. Getting a little rebellious, are we?”

“Well, it is a fact that you have little patience. I don’t deny that you’re brilliant but aren’t you being a little cocky at times?”

“I’m not cocky. It’s just that, these people annoy me with their irrational actions.”

“Sigh, you’re just too smart for your own good.” Suddenly realizing that she was in no position to indulge further she told herself and her imagination that it was enough. “As you wish,” said Takeshi and he disappeared from the room. Sera returned to focus on the meeting and breathed a sigh of relief when it finally came to an end after 3 long hours. She packed her things and bid her farewells before rushing out of her client’s office and making her way to her car. Safely in the confines of her own private space she let Takeshi appear in the passenger’s seat beside her and smiled at him before turning the keys to the ignition of her old Toyota; starting the drive back to the office.

With the ingenious contraption in the form of a hand’s free kit and no one to hear her under soundproof conditions, her car was the only place that she could speak openly to Takeshi without looking like she had lost her marbles.

“Ugh, I hate having to go back into work. I wish I could just have some kind of big money fall right into my lap. Then I can travel around the world with you beside me,” she said in a dreamy state whilst driving haphazardly.

“I hate to say it but you should be more careful on the road.” Takeshi’s voiced showed worry.

“You’re starting to complain more for some weird reason.” Sera retorted in a jovial mood.

“Well, although I am a part of you I do represent some of your more stable qualities.”

“I wouldn’t call any part of me stable when I’m actually talking to myself.” Sera giggled.

“That’s true. It’s remarkable that you can hold an interesting argument with yourself.”

“That’s why I made you isn’t it? So that I wouldn’t feel so weird having a split personality within me.”

“I would call this a more schizophrenic symptom than split personality.”

“Nah, it’s a split personality. If I was schizo I wouldn’t be able to recognize that you’re not real.”

“I guess you’re right since you’re the expert shrink huh?.” Sera raised a slightly irritated eyebrow at her imagination’s sarcastic reply. She stayed silent for a while, concentrating on some turns along the way before returning her attention to Takeshi once more.

“Takeshi?”

“Hmm?”

“You think I’ll ever meet someone as perfect as you and fall madly in love with him?”

“Nope and you know why. It’s because there’s no such thing as perfect in this world. I thought you would’ve dated enough men to get that by now.”

“Well obviously I haven’t. Anyway, I don’t see why I need more people when I have you.”

“Sera luv. What’s the fun of growing old alone and being a lonely haggard old woman?”

“Oh I can’t believe you said that.” Sera felt ashamed. She had not been intimate with anyone for over 3 years now after having been in a violent relationship with her last boyfriend which had resulted in a still searing deep wound. She wondered why she had brought that painful past up.

“I’m sorry…. I really am.” Takeshi placed a hand on her lap and patted it gently.

“Forgive me….” He whispered softly.

Sera appreciated the gesture and the comfort it brought her. Suddenly, to her shock and horror she realized that the contact had felt undeniably real. She looked down at her lap and saw that Takeshi’s fair-skinned hand was casually resting there in its actual bodily state. She lifted her head to face the passenger’s seat. Takeshi’s handsome form remained seated where she imagined him to be but he was visually complete compared to the usual smoky appearance in her mind.
“What?” Takeshi asked concerned. Sera became dumbfounded with Takeshi having spoken beyond her imaginative concoction.

“Oh… my… God. I’ve gone insane. Really.”

Totally distracted, Sera failed to notice a car breaking in front of her and slammed right into the vehicle’s rear which made her bump her head hard against the steering wheel, causing her to let out a surprised yelp with the excruciatingly painful knock to her head. Momentarily disoriented and feeling the aftermath from the gradually swelling spot on her forehead, she raised a hand to massage the affected area whilst turning to check if Takeshi was still there. He wasn’t. A startling knock to the car window jolted her from her confusion only to be faced with an angry woman dressed in loud print demanding payment for her damaged car.

Sera sighed heavily and mentally kicked herself for having been completely absorbed by her fantasies. Getting out of the car, she apologized frantically before giving both cars a quick check-up. Luckily, the crash had been considerably light resulting in fixable dents. Not wanting to inflate the ordeal, she quickly exchanged details with the woman before returning to her car. Taking in a deep breath she tried to calm herself further and just for assurance, looked to her left but Takeshi was nowhere to be found. She felt relieved and disappointed at the same time but she decided against conjuring him up again for fear of loosing complete control over her imaginative capacities. Shifting her gear, she stared her journey again.

Ichiro Matsuchani
07-21-2007, 03:39 PM
I actually found that pretty interesting. What really got me thinking is who and what Takeshi really is. Either an imaginary friend of some sort, or something else.

Other than that, it doesn't seem that there was any insight to the story at all. In this case, it might be a good thing.

Hypergraphian
07-21-2007, 03:58 PM
Yes you're right. I did intentionally leave out a deeper insight to this in order to intrigue readers. I'm not sure the impact is strong enough and am still working to improve this...

In fact, the original chapter was much longer but this being a forum I decided to make a cut at where it ended.... Unfortunately, after reading it again, I'm spotting some errors I might have to clean.... Actually, I'm beginning to rethink the impact factor and am rather concern its bland... sigh.... will wait for more feedback and see.....

Capernicus
07-28-2007, 03:09 AM
lol I read this on fictionpress.com. :3 I don't think you should have cut it to make it shorter, it doesn't help the chapter in any way. What you should have done was make the font smaller (default size 2 is just fine) to make it appear shorter. What sucks most about fics is scrolling down and finding where you were again. XD

Other than that, I couldn't find anything to really complain about as far as grammar, mechanics, and spelling go. I think, though, a slow start is to be expected, and we should wait for future chapters to evaluate it.

Hypergraphian
07-29-2007, 12:18 AM
Lol... yes, well I was thinking of reposting after I get done with the other chapters..... since I didn't want to do too much thread bumping needlessly.... but do note its gonna take a while as I'm still ironing out tonnes of kinks in this one and wiping the sweat off my forehead while doing so.... in fact... I'm beginning to regret that my brain even came up with something so complicated.... darn it...

Saturos
07-29-2007, 01:05 AM
lol I read this on fictionpress.com. :3 I don't think you should have cut it to make it shorter, it doesn't help the chapter in any way. What you should have done was make the font smaller (default size 2 is just fine) to make it appear shorter. What sucks most about fics is scrolling down and finding where you were again. XD

Other than that, I couldn't find anything to really complain about as far as grammar, mechanics, and spelling go. I think, though, a slow start is to be expected, and we should wait for future chapters to evaluate it.

I agree, But I still found this story to be very interesting. As long as copy and pasting was not in all for her credit, meaning saying she did it if she didn't. ^-^

bested
08-03-2007, 02:20 AM
In my opinion, it needs something strong to open it up (like an essay?)... it kinda made me force down the beginning bit where she was in the meeting.

Anyways, it is good :)

Ichiro Matsuchani
08-03-2007, 01:50 PM
This is the first fiction that's actually caught my interest on this forum.

Post the next chapter, damnit. >/

Capernicus
08-03-2007, 05:07 PM
This is the first fiction that's actually caught my interest on this forum.

Post the next chapter, damnit. >/
;__;

Read some of my stuff damnit! *shoves link in his face*

Hypergraphian
08-05-2007, 12:39 PM
Oh no, I think Ichiro's going to kill me if I do this. I had a dream and the dream turned into a frenzied array of images and tales. Ok, to cut a long story short, basically :-

1) I'm going to finish writing this story in its entirety (novel length)
2) I will edit it till its almost perfect.
3) I will let my family and friends beta it and then edit it further.
4) If the reviews are good overall, I will attempt to get it published. If not then I will chop it up and post it here. I will also let you know should I need this thread closed.

My deepest apologies but I've just come back from a trip with a thriller in mind that I just desperately need to write. Thanks for understanding you guys. Once again, sorry.

And yes, I posted it on several other sites to gain combined feedback on the piece.

CrimsonMoon
08-09-2007, 12:25 AM
I'm actually caught in this. Well done, I have no complaints whatsoever. I just hope you'll explain more about Takeshi.

Ichiro Matsuchani
08-09-2007, 09:27 PM
Oh no, I think Ichiro's going to kill me if I do this. I had a dream and the dream turned into a frenzied array of images and tales. Ok, to cut a long story short, basically :-

1) I'm going to finish writing this story in its entirety (novel length)
2) I will edit it till its almost perfect.
3) I will let my family and friends beta it and then edit it further.
4) If the reviews are good overall, I will attempt to get it published. If not then I will chop it up and post it here. I will also let you know should I need this thread closed.

My deepest apologies but I've just come back from a trip with a thriller in mind that I just desperately need to write. Thanks for understanding you guys. Once again, sorry.

And yes, I posted it on several other sites to gain combined feedback on the piece...............
[Scream]

Meh, as long as you finish it, I'm fine.