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Rem
07-17-2007, 05:20 PM
Ch.1 Liberation
The dull *clop* *clop* *clop* of wet boots was the only sound that penetrated the deathly silence of night. No sounds escaped from the quaint brick houses that lay on either side of the miss mash of cobblestone that this village called roads. The owners of the boots strolled wearily along these roads, annoyed at the recent rash of rain showers. The usual muddy hills and valleys were now pooling with water. Connected above the boots are a pair of blue trousers, and stacked on that was a blue vest. Which of course was followed by a blue long coat, which had a large red cross adorned dead center. The finishing touch was rifle that lolled to and fro on slumping shoulders. These tired men who patrolled the streets were known as the holy guard, soldiers of the holy cross empire. They yawned and trotted about, giving the most cursory glances to there surroundings.

If they had been keeping a keen eye they would have seen the slinking black shadows surging forward. Black boots sloshed through wet grass, which in turn kicked mud on black slacks. While men wiped there brows on the black sleeves attached to black shirts, and hoping their black helmets would protect them. These men had no rifle sleepily hanging on their shoulder, no there’s was gripped firmly in hand. The soldiers shrouded in black cloth and shadows called the dictatorship of Serias their home. The Serians rushing forward, wide eyed and alert, ready for the fight, for victory. While the holy cross rubbed their eyes, and leaned against houses to rest.

The dreamy silence was invaded and decimated as loud cracks erupt from the hillside. But the rifles shatter more than just silence, as bullets tear through their targets. Blood shooting in steams from blue backs, crumpling on the street never to rise again. Some of the poor blue fellows tried to regroup and fight back, but it was all for not. The black onslaught was swift, leaving no possible chance for retaliation. Most never even got a single shot off, those who did never got to pop out the shell before succumbing. After twenty minutes silence became master over all once more. This same fight took place in dozens of places along the holy cross empires border. The invasion had begun, and the war was about shift into high gear. Some called this night liberation, some a horrible loss, but the truth was it was only one thing, a slaughter.


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This is just part of this first chapter of a story I'm trying to write. The names are place holders until I can come up withsomethign better, I'll try to update it often.

Tenhauser
07-18-2007, 01:00 AM
Ch.1 Liberation
The dull *clop* *clop* *clop* of wet boots was the only sound that penetrated the deathly silence of night.
I suggest italicizing the clop/clop/clop part, asterisks typically conotate with footnotes or endnotes and not emphasis or sounds, which is what you want.


No sounds escaped from the quaint brick houses that lay on either side of the miss mash of cobblestone that this village called roads. The owners of the boots strolled wearily along these roads, annoyed at the recent rash of rain showers. The usual muddy hills and valleys were now pooling with water.Get rid off the last sentence entirely or place it somewhere else in the chapter, maybe in a paragraph describing the area?


Connected above the boots are a pair of blue trousers, and stacked on that was a blue vest. Which of course was followed by a blue long coat, which had a large red cross adorned dead center.Firstly, vests are worn over shirts and not a pair of slacks (begs the question of just how these people are walking without tripping over the thing...). Second, the second sentence sounds condescending with the "Which of course was followed..." bit. Finally, there are some major basic grammar mistakes that I am seeing in this little bit and that is telling me that there may be more to come.


The finishing touch was rifle that lolled to and fro on slumping shoulders.I think what you meant was that "the rifle swayed (not lolled) to and fro on slumping shoulders".


These tired men who patrolled the streets were known as the holy guard, soldiers of the holy cross empire.Capitalize Holy Guard and Holy Cross Empire.


They yawned and trotted about, giving the most cursory glances to there surroundings. I did not know that people could trot, I thought only horses could do that? Also, wrong version of 'there', it should be their[/]


If they had been keeping a keen eye they would have seen the slinking black shadows surging forward.Poorly written sentence, i can not really say anything else about it except fix it.


Black boots sloshed through wet grass, which in turn kicked mud on black slacks. While men wiped there brows on the black sleeves attached to black shirts, and hoping their black helmets would protect them.I see redundancy in the later half of this part in the story, "black sleeves attached to black shirts"? I strongly suggest that you spend more time describing BOTH groups of soldiers, I am not getting a clear picture of what they look like in my head which is what you as an author should be aiming for.


These men had no rifle sleepily hanging on their shoulder, no there’s was gripped firmly in hand. The soldiers shrouded in black cloth and shadows called the dictatorship of Serias their home. The Serians rushing forward, wide eyed and alert, ready for the fight, for victory. While the holy cross rubbed their eyes, and leaned against houses to rest.Grammar errors rear their ugly head once more in the first sentence, it should be rifles not rifle. In the second sentence the word "shrouded", in my opinion, should be changed to "clothed" as the Serians are not wrapped in black cloth but wearing black cloth (yes there is a difference). Is "dictatorship of Seria" the full name of the nation or is it just Seria? If it is the former rather than the later, capitalize the D in dictatorship. The last two sentences should be combined via creative use of the comma and other forms of punctuation, say a semi-colon, as it will allow them both to be read more fluidly than they are right now.


The dreamy silence was invaded and decimated as loud cracks erupt from the hillside.The silence is dreamy? I thought it was deathly according to the very first sentence in this chapter. Also, just where exactly are the Serians? You did not make this clear in the previous paragraph and I thought that they were somewhere on the street. Place more detail into the surrounding area, it allows the reader to visualize the location of the story much better and makes the story better as a result.


But the rifles shatter more than just silence, as bullets tear through their targets.Get rid of the comma.


Blood shooting in steams from blue backs, crumpling on the street never to rise again.What crumples to the street; blood, bullets, or bodies? Make this part clearer.


Some of the poor blue fellows tried to regroup and fight back, but it was all for not.Again a lack of details has made me confused, this time it was on just how many Holy Guard soldiers were patrolling the street and how many got killed or incapacitated in the first Serian volley. More details make a better story...oh, and get rid of the comma.


The black onslaught was swift, leaving no possible chance for retaliation.The second group of soldiers have a name, Serians, use it or get rid of it.


Most never even got a single shot off, those who did never got to pop out the shell before succumbing.Because of the previous sentence this one is redundant and useless, combine the two or get rid of this one.


After twenty minutes silence became master over all once more.And? Elaborate or remove.


This same fight took place in dozens of places along the holy cross empires border. The invasion had begun, and the war was about shift into high gear.So the Holy Guard were decimated in small ambush attacks in cities under their control all across the border? This does not make sense to me, surely they would have noticed an increase of forces along the Serian side of the border (they can not be [I]that stupid....can they?


Some called this night liberation, some a horrible loss, but the truth was it was only one thing, a slaughter. Add another "Some..." before going into the "but the truth was..." bit as it would make this sentences impact that much more powerful.

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So far, I am less than enthused about this story. The lack of details make this chapter bland and boring; a first chapter should ALWAYS be akin to someone grabbing grabbing your jaw, leaning in so close that you can see the details of their eyes, and ordering you to sit down, shut up, and listen to what they have to say. This chapter simply does not do that and that needs to change.

That, and get an editor or learn more about English grammar and sentence structure before writing anymore. I was forced at numerous points in the chapter to reread the previous sentence(s) because I kept getting confused .

Fix these two things and your story will be a lot better than it is right now, I guarantee it.

Daenerys
07-18-2007, 01:28 AM
WOW. Seriously. I love you. You need to comment on all stories that are posted from now on!

ps: i fixed the title for you rem.

Ichiro Matsuchani
07-21-2007, 02:01 PM
I don't know if he should, because that ruins the point of anyone else to post. He pretty much has it covered. o_O;

On a serious note, amazing commentary. As for the story, it seems like something I might be interested in, if it can change for the better.

CrimsonMoon
08-07-2007, 07:17 PM
I don't know what to say since Ten covers everything. I'm annoyed with the spellings and grammar. I only have a vague idea of what your story is. Still, you can improve. All the best!

Rem
08-07-2007, 07:49 PM
Thanks for the Constructive criticism, it's the only way I will get better.