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Darc Satos
07-11-2007, 01:50 PM
this is a story ive been working on for awile and someone sugested i should put it here. i hope you like it O.o (side note- The ONLY thing i took off of something else was the name Darc, witch is from Arc the lad TOTS, EVERYTHING else is orginal and made by me.)




---The Crimson War---

CHAPTER 0 -Prologue-

"The Crimson war raged on for days, leaving thousands of blood soaked bodies throughout the land. Kenenstraim, the leader of evil and destruction, was the most powerfull man in the world... but the leader of light, Dasou would stop at nothing to save the world from curroption.A army of light, and a army of evil. clashed into oblivion, and forever told as, 'the crimson war'.....

and the world at peace, has lived many years without evil in its presence, but Kenenstraim was not defeated...He was a father. And someday his son, Darc, will bring the distruction of the world...

CHAPTER 1 -Behind the wall of sleep-

"....hmm....Another meaningless day..." Darc mumbles as he crawles out from his cave."Hmm what should i do today...?" Darc stretches his mussles and walks around a bit, until he sees something is watching him. a errie pressence behind a oak tree...He quickly pulls out and knife and hurls it straight toward the human. The blade wissles through the air untill it hits its the oak tree with a loud 'thunk'. "Gah! Damn i missed!" Darc quickly pulls out his katana but realises that whatever was watching him was gone."yhea...you better run.." Darc says to himslef. Darc sheaths his sword and starts walking into town. "Nothing new i presume?" comes a familiar voice from behind. "Not a thing. Allthough there was somthing watching me a little while ago." Darc turns around to find kain, a powerfull mage."so you dont say,? There have been lots of sightings of a strange shadow watching over people as they sleep, and som-" kain's ring starts to glow."well, i would love to stay and chat, but i must return to Sarudae." kain starts to walk out of town, and dissapears. "hmmm...watching you as you sleep...what a strange thing to do..." Darc mumbles to himslef. Sundenly Darc hears some faint screems behind a house.Suddenly he sees a knight coming straight for him with his mace held high soaked in blood. As he gets close he swings at Darc, "Hey what the hell do you think your doing!?" Darc then glances at his symbol on his chestplate and sees a "Gamon" symbol. " I see, your a knight of Gamon.."
as Darc takes a leap back from the knight. Darc Draws his katana and strikes the knight, witchs leaves a bloody slice through the knights arm. "AAAHHHG!
You will pay for that!!!" The knight hits Darc hard on the side of his stomach with his mace. Darc gasps and falls to the floor, As the knight gets ready to deliver the final blow, swings down hard from above. Darc thought," Is....is....this...the end....?" sudenly fire swoops around the knight enveloping him in red hot flames that swirl around his body. "AAAHHHHHHHHHGGG!!!!"
The knight screams in horrible pain.the knight staggers and falls backwords and dies from the horrible pain and burns."Darc are you alright!?" kain shouts from a distance. Darc gets up still breathless, gasping for air. "...Kain...you...saved...me..." Darc walks toward Kain and sits on the ground by Kain to regain his breath. "Darc, the Gamon army has attacked, we must flee!" Darc gets up and takes a few deep breaths. "i thought you were...at Sarudae..." Kain and darc start running into the forest, "No, Sarudae was obliterated by Gamon knights, and are headed toward here, Then to Hiro, to kill Usigi." "Usigi...the fool! He should have signed that treaty..." Darc slows down to a steady walk and so dose kain. "But he did." kain excliams, "Then why the hell are they attacking!?" Darc shouts in anger. "Aperently Gamon dosent want any more of us around. He dose not see that without dark, light cannot exsist. He is blinded by his own greed and power." kain sits on a rock to take a rest. "Wait, i hear somthing.." Darc looks around and grips his sword tightly. Unasure of what dangers lies ahead.



So what did you think? pretty good or bad? thats only the first chapter too.
questions will be awnsered throughout the story.

Hitsugaya389
07-11-2007, 01:54 PM
I like it. Just.... POST THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!

Darc Satos
07-11-2007, 02:10 PM
thank you, and i will, im typing it right now. its classical to leave people hanging like that to create suspence, (alot like what they do in anime shows)

Tenhauser
07-18-2007, 11:19 PM
---The Crimson War---

CHAPTER 0 -Prologue-

"The Crimson war raged on for days, leaving thousands of blood soaked bodies throughout the land. Kenenstraim, the leader of evil and destruction, was the most powerfull man in the world... but the leader of light, Dasou would stop at nothing to save the world from curroption.A army of light, and a army of evil. clashed into oblivion, and forever told as, 'the crimson war'.....

and the world at peace, has lived many years without evil in its presence, but Kenenstraim was not defeated...He was a father. And someday his son, Darc, will bring the distruction of the world...
Run a spell checker and add an end quotation mark at the end of the second paragraph. I suggest turning this into a header instead of a prologue, it makes more sense that way.


CHAPTER 1 -Behind the wall of sleep-

"....hmm....Another meaningless day..." Darc mumbles as he crawles out from his cave.How do we, the reader, know that this day is meaningless? What is a normal day for Darc, does it have constant action or suspense? Explain please. Also give details about this cave, such as its interior and location, to paint a better picture for the readers than just a simple hole in the ground. Again, run spell checker.


"Hmm what should i do today...?" Darc stretches his mussles and walks around a bit, until he sees something is watching him.Again run spell checker and add more details about the surounding landscape (forest, mountain, grassy plain, are there hills, what type of trees, is it raining/slowing). How does he see this person is another question I have, answer it by some action on either parties part, a snapping twig, a muffled cough/sneeze/yawn, the form of a shadow, etc. etc. etc.

a errie pressence behind a oak tree...He quickly pulls out and knife and hurls it straight toward the human.How does Darc know that the shadower is human if there are multiple races in this world? Also learn grammar rules ("an eerie presence behind an[/] oak tree" and there should be only period, not three). What is the shadow's reaction to Darc pulling out a knife? Oh, and remember to run spell checker.


The blade wissles through the air untill it hits its the oak tree with a loud 'thunk'.Run spell checker and get rid of "until it hits its..." and replace it with "..., hitting an oak tree...". That reminds me, do not throw out that the tree is oak unless this landscape can support oak trees (and to know this you need to add details[/] about the area).


"Gah! Damn i missed!" Darc quickly pulls out his katana but realises that whatever was watching him was gone."yhea...you better run.." Darc says to himslef.Choose "Gah!" or "Damn" and get rid of the other, redundancy kills fiction unless it is used in dialogue and on purpose. If the shadow is human, which you have stated in a previous sentence, then he/she is not a "something" but a "someone". Replace the "but realises..." with "katana, but...". Capitalize the Y in "yhea...", also learn the rules of quotation with dialogue.


Darc sheaths his sword and starts walking into town.Where is the sword sheath on his body? Where is the town in relevance with the cave? Details, details, details!


"Nothing new i presume?" comes a familiar voice from behind. "Not a thing. Allthough there was somthing watching me a little while ago." Darc turns around to find kain, a powerfull mage.Behind what: a tree, a rock, Darc's body, a dead body? Is or is not the shadow a human or a thing, choose one and stick with it. Name's should always be capitalized and how do we know that this Kain is a powerfull mage beside your word alone? Give us an example of his power before stating that he/she is "a powerful mage". And run spellchecker.


"so you dont say,? There have been lots of sightings of a strange shadow watching over people as they sleep, and som-" kain's ring starts to glow."well, i would love to stay and chat, but i must return to Sarudae." kain starts to walk out of town, and dissapears.Learn what to capitalize, punctuation rules, how to use a spell checker, and add [I]DETAILS (we were in the city? I thought that we were still outside of the city because of a lack of details[/]. Also, what is Kain's reaction to his ring ringing, surprise maybe?).


"hmmm...watching you as you sleep...what a strange thing to do..." Darc mumbles to himslef. Sundenly Darc hears some faint screems behind a house.How about details on our location, what the street and homes look like would be helpful. Use a spell checker. How does Darc react to the screams, does he look in the general area that they are coming from (if not, then how does he know that they are coming from behind a house?).


Suddenly he sees a knight coming straight for him with his mace held high soaked in blood.First rule of writing is to never, NEVER, start a sentence with the same word(s) you started the previous sentence with. Also, give [I]details about the appearance of the knight (armor, weapons, etc...) to give us an idea of what Darc is facing.


As he gets close he swings at Darc, "Hey what the hell do you think your doing!?" Darc then glances at his symbol on his chestplate and sees a "Gamon" symbol. " I see, your a knight of Gamon.."Close to what? Darc, or maybe a running civilian (which would make better reading honestly). Why did it take a bit for Darc to notice the symbol on the knights chest plate, especially considering that symbols are typically VERY noticeable on armor. What does this symbol of Gamon look like so that we readers can recognize it later on without you telling us.


as Darc takes a leap back from the knight. Darc Draws his katana and strikes the knight, witchs leaves a bloody slice through the knights arm. "AAAHHHG!
You will pay for that!!!"Combine the first two sentences so that the story flows like water instead of marmalade. The D in "Draws" should not be capitalized (learn basic rules of writing). Where does Darc strike the knight and if the knight has a chest plate then should he not also be in full plate (he IS a knight after all). Run spell checker, again, and give more details on how the knight reacts to being wounded other than what you have given (does he drop his weapon to clutch the wound, does he kneel to the ground in pain, does he let go of his horses reins due to the pain, details are your friend not your enemy).


The knight hits Darc hard on the side of his stomach with his mace.The stomach is an organ protected by layers of fat, muscle, and skin, thus it can not be hit unless Darc was disembowled without us knowing. I believe you mean "body" instead of "stomach"...


Darc gasps and falls to the floor, As the knight gets ready to deliver the final blow, swings down hard from above.Why is he gasping, it sounds as though he only got the wind knocked out of him from a vicious hit in the side from a mace (just saying that it sounds just a tad[/] unrealistic). Again, learn the rules of capitalization and also those of sentence structure and basic grammar.


Darc thought," Is....is....this...the end....?" sudenly fire swoops around the knight enveloping him in red hot flames that swirl around his body. "AAAHHHHHHHHHGGG!!!!"First, thank you for showing that Kain is indeed a powerful mage, I would have preferred searing flames that instantly incinerated the knight but that is just me. However Darc's line is cliche and corny as heck, get rid of it and replace it with him looking up as the knight's mace comes down.


The knight screams in horrible pain.the knight staggers and falls backwords and dies from the horrible pain and burns.Need I remind of the First Rule of Writing that I mentioned before? Or how about learning sentence structure, punctuation/capitalization rules, or to use a spell checker? Also, one does not die from pain or getting burned; they die from suffocation via lack of oxygen thanks to the flames around them, smoke inhalation, or getting burnt from the inside out (fire is brought into the body by inhaling it, causing the lungs to get severely burnt and thus preventing them from working).


"Darc are you alright!?" kain shouts from a distance.How far is this distance and what is Kain doing besides talking (say killing more knight).

Darc gets up still breathless, gasping for air.Again, one does not get breathless from getting hit in the side by a mace. Change this to be more realistic.


"...Kain...you...saved...me..." Darc walks toward Kain and sits on the ground by Kain to regain his breath.Should there not be more knights in the area? Why are they not attacking the mage who killed one of their own? Why are Kain and Darc doing nothing while the city is attacked? Get rid of the second Kain and replace it with "him".


"Darc, the Gamon army has attacked, we must flee!"I think it is fairly obvious to EVERYONE involved that Gamon has attacked, this sentence is pointless and should be replaced or removed.


Darc gets up and takes a few deep breaths. "i thought you were...at Sarudae..." Kain and darc start running into the forest, "No, Sarudae was obliterated by Gamon knights, and are headed toward here, Then to Hiro, to kill Usigi."Details, again, would be nice in order to understand just how Darc and Kain werre transported from the middle of a city to the edge of a forest in no time. I know that Kain using magic could be used as an excuse, but we the readers are not shown this at all. Instead, we must make assumptions on what is going on and hope that our assumptions are correct.


"Usigi...the fool! He should have signed that treaty..." Darc slows down to a steady walk and so dose kain.Okay, who is Usigi and why is he so important ([I][B]DETAILS


"But he did." kain excliams, "Then why the hell are they attacking!?" Darc shouts in anger. "Aperently Gamon dosent want any more of us around. He dose not see that without dark, light cannot exsist. He is blinded by his own greed and power." kain sits on a rock to take a rest. "Wait, i hear somthing.." Darc looks around and grips his sword tightly. Unasure of what dangers lies ahead.Is Gamon the 'good' side or the 'evil' side, i am very confused on this point. How is this nation, place, thing that Kain and Darc call home evil? Details please, I am begging you!

------

As I have stated over and over again above the extreme lack of details concerning everything is a major problem for this story, as is the apparent lack of knowledge you have on very important aspects of writing (grammar and sentence structure to name a few). This needs to change if you hope to make a good original piece of fiction. I will be reading the other chapters that you have posted but I strongly suggest rewriting the entire story from Chapter 1 in order to make it longer and better than it is now.

Darc Satos
07-19-2007, 08:06 PM
did i ask you what you really think? i dont give. if you are going to go critizise someone do it to someone else becasue it really annoys the hell out of me.

Tenhauser
07-19-2007, 10:29 PM
If you post a story then you are asking for people to read it and write a review based on what they think about your story. If you do not like what I have written, fine as it is your choice to like or dislike what I am saying. However I am going to continue to review your story as I see fit.

And what exactly angered you so much about my constructive criticism?

Darc Satos
07-19-2007, 10:36 PM
im 14 >__> you expect me to sit down for 5 hours and write fantastic story thats VERY long and descriptive? YHEA.... i have better things to do.. i actually have a LIFE

Azel
07-19-2007, 10:43 PM
It is exhaustive to go through all the meticulous details of writing a good, constructive, and very well thought out story. I will give you a break since you do not have that type of time and considering your age. I would know, I have published books. 7/10. I admit grammar wise, not so hot, and descriptiveness not so hot either, but it had a solid story that seemed to be thought out for the most part. I would say just work more on making your story more developed and giving the characters and the over all plot more depth. If your characters have dimensions, the story becomes alot more interesting, if your plot has alot more too it than first meets the eye, its alot better. Very good though.

Tenhauser
07-19-2007, 11:50 PM
im 14 >__> you expect me to sit down for 5 hours and write fantastic story thats VERY long and descriptive? YHEA.... i have better things to do.. i actually have a LIFE
I expect you to do nothing but what you want to do, I am simply giving my opinion on what could be done to make this story better.

Ichiro Matsuchani
07-21-2007, 08:04 PM
I've seen enough of this. Darc, if you post a fanfic here, expect to receive criticism. All of the criticism here has been friendly enough, so don't attack those that don't give a "Omg it was awesome" comment. There is no reason for an argument to break out in a fanfic thread.

Closed.