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danie-chan
06-15-2007, 11:07 AM
*Meh, it's kinda like a fanfic but it's loosely based from school... Anyway, I hope someone reviews!*



It was an unwanted meeting of the two. He just passed by her room, on his way towards the faculty room. She just came from the comfort room, after fighting for the small, wooden blue plank that was the class’ “Permit to Leave”. She had unknowingly won without more than a single word from her.

He walked towards the faculty room, passing by the sewing room quietly as there was a class of first year students inside, having a rather tough lesson. The familiar sight of the fourth year lockers caught his eye and as he turned right, he heard a shout coming from the nearest classroom.

“Uy! Si sir dumadaan!” ("Hey! Sir's passing by!")

He knew nothing about the students that filled the classroom he was now passing. He was, after all, a newly appointed teacher for the juniors. Every time he would pass that particular classroom, he would always hear his name being called by the students and turning his head to the source, he would see blushing faces gazing at him. It was something normal for him, even if he was only a few days old at the school as a teacher.

It was the usual for that day. He kept on walking, all the while sneaking peeks at the class through the corners of his eyes. He saw the same faces as he did yesterday, blushing at the sight of him passing by. One student who was standing at the aisle of the classroom waved at him and shouted, “Hi sir!” ("Hi sir!")

He turned to her and gave her a rather flirtatious smile that made all the other students almost swoon. He slowed his pace, wondering what they were going to say about his sudden action.

“Hindi! Hindi! Para sakin yun! Sakin!” ("No! No! That was for me! For me!") he heard a voice say. He tried to hide a smile as he heard other voice saying, “Ahaha! Kawawa ka naman! Binigay sakin yun eh!” ("Poor you! He gave it to me!")

Laughter filled the room. He sighed and continued to walk on, his destination not that far away.

“Ay!” ("Ah!")

He felt himself bumping into someone, of course him not being scathed as he was bigger. He looked down and saw a student, her short black hair messy and unkempt. He reached out towards her and said, “Uy, sorry ha… Hindi kita nakita eh.” ("Oh, sorry... I didin't see you.")

The student took his hand and smiled at him in a big childish grin that made his heart skip a beat. He tugged her upward so she could stand and quickly let go of her hand.

“Sorry po sir, tumatakbo kasi ako eh.” ("I'm so sorry sir, it's because I was running") She reasoned out to him, dusting her skirt clean as she stood up. She looked around her and uncertainly asked herself, “Nasan na yung permit to leave ko?” ("Huh? Where's my permit to leave?") loud enough for him to hear.

He looked around and saw the wooden plank some ways from them. He walked towards it and picked it up slowly without her consent. He took it back to her, handing it with the same grin she had just a moment ago.


“Oh, eto na.” ("Oh, here it is.") he said at her. She took it from him and hurriedly murmured, “Thank you po, sir.” ("Thank you sir") Before turning around and going back to her classroom.

A small smile creped on his face. That was a new experience for him. “Meron pa pala…” ("So, there are still some...") he told himself before continuing his short walk towards the faculty room.


*Oh, yeah... dialouge is in my native language... I wanna change it, but I didn't... so instead, I just added some translations. Now, don't you guys like that? You'll be able to learn a little bit of Filipino while reading! ^^*

Hypergraphian
07-21-2007, 09:28 PM
It was an unwanted meeting of the two. He just passed by her room, on his way towards the faculty room. She just came from the comfort room, after fighting for the small, wooden blue plank that was the class’ “Permit to Leave”. She had unknowingly won without more than a single word from her.



Alrighty, here goes the review. The paragraph above is highly fragmented and you need to rephrase it so that it reads fluently. Although I can't correct the entire paragraph due to a lack of understanding in what you're trying to convey, may I suggest that the first sentence reads somthing like this : "He had been passing by her room on the way to the lecture hall when he met her unexpectantly." and then you head off to describe why he didn't want to meet up with this person.




He walked towards the faculty room, passing by the sewing room quietly as there was a class of first year students inside, having a rather tough lesson. The familiar sight of the fourth year lockers caught his eye and as he turned right, he heard a shout coming from the nearest classroom.



This para was a little less incoherent. Again, perhaps a little explaination on the details of having a 'tough' lesson. I'm figuring when you wrote that you were thinking the class had a strict teacher perhaps? But what really puzzles me about this part is, what happened to the 'she' or female he unwantedly met?

On the whole, you need to practice narrating a point from A to B more. Your sentences do not connect because you describe C before you do A only to move on to B. Secondly, I assume after reading your entire story the top was meant to be some sort of epilogue, if it is then highlight is as such otherwise your readers will be wondering where did the connection go?

Hope this helps and as usual, I'll leave by saying writing takes practice. There are geniuses I'll admit, but no reason you can't get good with a little practice so keep writing :)