View Full Version : Original Fiction: Cthulhu for President(Chapter two)

07-22-2006, 08:45 PM
New from Washington tonight: Flying Spaghetti Monster has chosen to begin the inevitable mudslinging, by making these accusations concerning Cthulhu:

“Soon after he arrived on Earth, Cthulhu began to systematically wipe out multiple species of dinosaur. Also, by his own admission, he ate his mother immediately following birth. He’s obviously driven by hunger and disregard for life. Is that the mind you want driving your nation?”

Cthulhu responded with these comments:

“Yes, I was a bit of a party deity in my youth, but those events are more than 65 million years past, and I have matured greatly in that time. I never caused the extinction of whole species, I merely trimmed the herd as a deer hunter does. If I hadn’t, it’d be so much more unlikely that you, the people, evolved after the asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs. Also, would someone who caused the Great Flood of ancient myth and openly mocks my culture sound like the accepting leader this nation desires?”

Analysts have already begun discussing these attacks.

Michael Actulyhasajob:

“If what Flying Spaghetti Monster said is true, than the question becomes does Cthulhu really have such a low regard for life? And if he does, who knows what he might do to satisfy his bloodlust? He’s announced plans to pull out of the Middle East, but who knows what wars he’ll start elsewhere?”

Jason Gettspadfardis:

“Cthulhu makes a very good point. If Flying Spaghetti Monster cannot accept Cthulhu’s cultures, there’s no reason to believe that he won’t begin attacking peoples with alternate lifestyles on our own planet. Plus, Cthulhu has also made the claim that Flying Spaghetti Monster caused the Great Flood because of immature jealousy. Who knows what he’ll do in office?”

Invisible Pink Unicorn hasn’t yet made any sort of announcement concerning the election. For that matter, nothing has been seen or heard from Invisible Pink Unicorn since she lost the last election. And in the Mid East tonigh-

In the Offices of the Elder Party, Cthulhu turned off the television and looked back at his cabinet list. “For Vice president: Invisible Pink Unicorn or Shub-Niggurath?” He asked his daughter Cthylla, running a hand through his tentacles.

“I’d go for the IPU first, make it look like you’ve made peace with your rival. If that doesn’t work, go for Shub and play her as a mother figure.” Cthylla responded.

“Shouldn’t be hard, she’s the mother of a thousand young. Want to go find a meal?” Cthulhu asked as he pushed the papers to the side and into a folder.

“Sure, a few hobos won’t be missed all that much. And the booze adds a hint of flavor.” Cthylla pushed herself out of the chair and walked to the door.

And meanwhile, Flying Spaghetti Monster was conversing with his running VP, Gliding Breadstick Entity. “Damnit, our approval ratings are falling like dominoes. I’m telling you, it’s all after that admission of being evil. He ruined politics by saying that, I swear.” FSM sighed. “I could handle another overly mocked Republican or a floppy Democrat, but this…”

“Well…” GBE started.

“Well shut up. You’re just window dressing. You haven’t said anything useful since I hired you.”

“Why don’t we attack his uncaring stance on the issues? I mean, he’s not taken either the politically correct or incorrect stance, which always means he’s taken the incorrect stance. And everyone hates the people who aren’t politically correct.”

“Hmm… fine, you’ll stay out of the Italian resturaunt for now. But remember, I can send you to Olive Garden just as soon as hit you with my noodle appendage.”

07-23-2006, 01:01 AM
The only thing I really enjoy about this, is the pink unicorn. =)

07-23-2006, 01:13 AM
Yes, The Pink Unicorn still gets my vote. Although the hobo eating sounds fun.
Keep at it.

07-23-2006, 03:30 PM

Okay, now that I got that out of my system....
This is very entertaining, though I think one may have to know about some of the more popular Parody Religions and Deities.
My vote would still be for the Flying Spagetti Monster, as it has noodley appendages.

Also, this is my first post in Fanfic, after 2.5 years of being here. Feel special.